“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
You Might Also Like
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”