Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Can. I. Help. You.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I’m having an out of money experience.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.