Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
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Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”