‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.