“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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Schrödinger’s cookie
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
When they try to steal your moment.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.