I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Covid like
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*