People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
me hooking up with my ex
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.