I am yelling
You Might Also Like
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Don’t touch that.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE