I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.