I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
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Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Dance like you’re not the father
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
spot the difference
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV