Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Time heals everything 🙂
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”