I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
It was worth a shot 😂
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Inside you there are two wolves
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
#Caturday
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag