Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
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Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me in tagged photos
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.