If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
buying dead houseplants to save time
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t