As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
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[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house