Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Holy crap this is wonderful
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands