going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
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Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Ion see the issue
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.