I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live