Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
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friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”