Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
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son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
fixed it
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.