At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”