EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Mhm.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.