Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
You Might Also Like
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
good morning
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Did my cat write this
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
LOOOOOOL
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.