*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Called it
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
kevin is now a local weatherman
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off