Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
That 👊
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.