At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
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If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.