dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
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Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous