It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Oh hi lol
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat