How your email finds me
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Carpe DM
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.