My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
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I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Stop sending me this shit.
they split up moments later
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies