I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Festive toon…
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor