My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
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*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I am HOWLING at this
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.