The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
looks legit
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.