I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
You Might Also Like
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.