My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
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Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.