Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
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Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken