ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
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I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
How can I say no to this ?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
meanwhile over on facebook
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything