Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.