HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Gods work.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.