For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”