Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
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Mhm.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews