Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.