My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
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“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
blocked.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫