A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
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Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018