wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
called in thicc to work this morning
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…