nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.