The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*