“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
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I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim