The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?