Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
mom gave me mine for free
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.